But, there was a time when I didn't know him yet. A time when I couldn't see past his delivery. I thought about it constantly, assuring myself that I would be bad-ass. I wouldn't need pain meds or Pitocin or a C-section. I'd have the natural delivery of my dreams because I was tough enough. Because my mother delivered my 11-pound brother. Because I wanted what was best for my baby.
|First photo with our little bruiser back on Oct. 31, 2009.|
Long, long story short (and one that's pretty hazy now, 16 months later) I went through labor pretty much every way possible before my son was finally delivered by C-section. I made it many hours drug free, then gave in and got a little IV relief. Hours later, I succumbed to the epidural. Hours after that, and I still couldn't deliver my baby. All told it was about 28 hours, my son was 9 pounds. We didn't set any kind of a record, he just simply was lodged at my pelvis and not coming out, regardless of how well I was or wasn't dealing with the pain. Immediately after, my thoughts were that if labor is always like this, one is plenty. Days later, I was asking the doctor if I would always have to have C-sections. Now over a year later, I am back to thinking I can someday have the natural delivery I wanted someday. There has been quite a roller coaster of emotions in between.
I'm left still believing that natural childbirth is ideal, but that I might not have had a healthy baby boy without C-sections. Sure, they are probably performed unnecessarily at times, but I believe that more babies and moms are surviving nowadays than ever before, and that can't be so bad. Next time, hoping there is one, I will be way more prepared to give it another go. It's going to take more than willpower to get through labor for me.
In the end, I am thankful for my C-section and confident I did the best I could given the circumstances. True, I didn't get what I wanted: That kid is more amazing than I could have even hoped for.
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